Lets Talk Mom Sex…..it’s like regular sex but less loud and more planned.

If you’re a relative or co-worker of mine, please close this tab out ASAP. Kidding…kinda.

When I was pregnant, my husband and I had all the important conversations a couple should have before welcoming a baby. What kind of discipline techniques should we use? Will we raise our child in a certain religion? Should we start a savings account for our child’s college fund? Typical conversations and relevant discussions about how to not screw up our kid. We also talked about what life was going to be like after our baby was born. We joked about not being able to watch our favorite shows on DVR on Saturday mornings because Mickey Mouse Club House is more age appropriate for a baby. We thought about having to be more schedule oriented and not as spontaneous. I was proud of us. There we were, adulting, and really prepping ourselves for the biggest life change ever. I thought we had all the grounds covered. I was mistaken.

One thing we did not cover was sex after baby. I think both of us just assumed we would wait the suggested 6 weeks of healing and then hop right back on the sex train, no problem. It’s fair to say that our assumptions were WRONG. Aside from dealing with some hardcore baby blues, I had crazy thoughts running through my head about being intimate with my husband again. Will it hurt? Will I feel different to him? Do I wear my nursing bra? Should I pump first? Am I going to fall asleep mid romp? Ya know, typical, rational concerns. My OBGYN did not give me any recommendations for this occasion and as far as I knew, there was not a support group. Honestly, I think there is a market for it though. Hit up your breast-feeding support group and then swing on over to the weekly Mom Sex prep course. Anyways…. I’m definitely not going to get into how everything went down but I will tell you, it’s still a work in progress.

 Us new moms and seasoned moms have A LOT on our plates. We cook, we clean, we make ourselves look presentable. Oh, and when I say we, I don’t mean me. I do manage to schedule doctors’ appointments, make sure my kid looks decently dressed for the day and I always make time to brush my teeth. I lied…mouthwash is a life saver. The point is, we do a lot, and a lot is asked of us. When it comes to sex, sometimes that’s just another thing on our list that we dread. Or maybe it’s something on our list that we just never get around to. Some of us crave that intimacy and time to connect with our partners. Some of us feel completely touched out by the end of the day and crave alone time and ice cream. Most of us are struggling with body issues and trying to come to terms with our new stretch marks, squishy bellies and lactating boobs. We feel guilty about not having sex with our partners but then feel guilty about making time for ourselves. Some of us are dealing with drastic hormone changes, low libido, and side effects from post-partum medications. Some of us are struggling with sleep exhaustion and resentment towards our partners for getting to leave the house and have adult conversations during the day. Bottom line is, us moms, we are complicated.

We don’t know if we want sex or sleep. Honestly, if both could occur simultaneously, that would be fantastic but I’m not sure if that’s possible or considered consensual. We judge ourselves hard, we compare ourselves to others and we really can’t accept the fact that what we’re doing is ever enough, including our sexual performances. So, I’ve compiled a collection of answers, from moms of all ages and stages, to questions about sex. Hopefully, what these ladies have to say will resonate with you, make you feel normal and maybe even above average.

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How has your sex life changed since becoming a mom?
Frequency of sex in my marriage has decreased since having a child, however, it should be noted that prebaby my husband and I had a lot of sex. The early years of our relationship we had sex multiple times a day, nearly every day. 8 years in, until my pregnancy, we had sex around five times per week. There was a long lull with pregnancy and until 6 months postpartum where sex was infrequent. (I had no sex drive during my pregnancy, and it took a looong time for my vag to recover post-partum. Now, nearly 10 years into our relationship and after our first child together we try to have sex 3-4 times per week. Does that happen every week? No. Sometimes it’s less. It is especially less because my toddler is the BIGGEST cock block EVER. Literally, cock block should have been his middle name. I cannot tell you how many times we have just started to get things going and then we hear, “Momma” and all my “O” dreams vanish in an instant. One time after being interrupted and my husband retrieving our son from the crib, he received a nice, swift (accidental) kick to the dick. We both burst out laughing. If the crying hadn’t put an end to it, the kick certainly did! In general, though, sex is a huge part of our relationship. When we have sex frequently, I notice that my husband and I are much more affectionate towards each other throughout the day. It boosts my libido; my husband is less irritable and smiles a lot more! LOL. Both of us are still incredibly happy with the frequency of our sex life, but it does take effort.

Do you schedule sex or date nights with your significant other?
Pre Covid, every Saturday was date night. We would go out either to dinner and drinks or just drinks. This gave us some great, intimate alone time out of our home bubble so we could really focus on each other and not get distracted by things to do in the house. This also led to many fun, sexual adventures outside the home. Enter Covid and we’ve had to adjust, no more going out. Now our date nights are had at home on the couch. We have wine and cheese or chips and gin tonics. Whatever your go to drink learn how to make it and keep all the ingredients in the house. We usually watch either an action movie like Hobbs and Shaw (one of our favorites) or find a juicy, soapy tv series like Emily in Paris, Bridgerton, and The Bold Type, followed by couch sex, which I quite enjoy actually!

Tips/Tricks for a successful sex life after babies?
You must make an effort. There will occasionally be some spontaneity but a lot of it will have to be premeditated. Take advantage of naptime and bedtime and aim for the “solid” time of their sleep that you know they won’t wake up. It may kind of seem chore-y in the beginning but the more you do it, the more you will want to do it. Trust me on that. If you are your partner are in a slump, tell them and let them know you need some action. Also, never underestimate the power of a lace thong.

Signed,
Mom of a Cock Block, Lover of Couch Sex

How has your sex life changed since becoming a mom?
After #2 it pretty much hasn’t existed. To be honest I have zero interest in even thinking about it. By the time #2 was born, work had reopened (previously closed due to Covid) and life started to get busier again. With this change on top of having a newborn and a toddler, sex sounded like (and still sounds like) another job right now.

Do you schedule sex or date nights with your significant other?
We have not “scheduled” sex in a while. After babe#1 we got to the point of talking about it and planning some fun nights. We even had more sex when pregnant with #2! Since #2 I can count on one hand the number of times and haven’t been ready to get to that point of making that drive come back yet.

Tips/Tricks for a successful sex life after babies?
Communication for sure! My husband knows how I feel right now and also knows I don’t want to feel like this forever but having my space right now is important for my own sanity. When you are ready…cocktails and little spice to the sex life helped the first time!

Signed,
No libido Momzie of 2

How has your sex life changed since becoming a mom?
Our sex life has taken a dramatic shift from pre baby life. We had a hard time getting pregnant with both children. Sex was scheduled, almost forced, not fun. It was used for “baby making” only.  
After baby (s), we have and are still trying to get that connection back. I am exhausted from a full day of work, then house/kids/ dinner duties. It’s hard for me to get in the mood. I’m going to be real here…. I do 90% of the work with our kids, and at the end of the day the last thing I want to do is physically please a person who does not always understand the emotional strain the day can bring.  Our intimacy has shifted, it has changed, and it has become something we really have to work on.

Signed,
Mom looking to get the “fun” back. 

How has your sex life changed since becoming a mom?
For the first few months of post-partum, it was definitely different. I was just not in the mood, too tired, or too self-conscious about my body.   My husband was great, and he understood and never pressured me which made me feel comfortable about taking my time getting back to feeling comfortable.   But now that we are past the real newborn phase, it’s back to normal – which has always been roughly once a week, MAYBE twice if he’s lucky 😉 

Do you schedule sex or date nights with your significant other?
Nothing is scheduled for us.  I find it too hard to schedule because that is always, inevitably, the night our kids won’t go to sleep easily, or one of them will have a horrible tantrum causing us to be frustrated and take it out on each other and end in a fight. Then, the pressure/let down of it not happening is so much greater and it feels uncomfortable and forced to me.  So, we wing it but we still make sure to make time for it once or twice a week.

Tips/Tricks for a successful sex life after babies?
Go to bed early – and before you fall asleep on the couch.  We’re that couple (like many others) who sit on the couch and binge netflix together once the kids are down.  If either of us fall asleep on the couch, its done.  No sex.  I cannot wake back up and get the energy to do it.   So, we make sure to always go up to bed after 1 or 2 episodes and before either of us are falling asleep on the couch.  Because that means we’re up in bed by 9pm, we aren’t too tired to make time for it.  

Also, always make time for it.  Even if you are tired, or drained, or touched out – just do it.  I feel that way so many nights but if I power through those feelings and just do it, I always end up enjoying it.  It’s important for your relationship, so just power through! 

Signed,
Mom of 2 with a 9pm curfew

How has your sex life changed since becoming a mom?
 I had zero libido my entire pregnancy and for a while after. I was secretively not excited at all after getting “cleared” at the 6wk pp visit. My husband was supportive and understanding and made me feel comfortable so that was a huge plus. Now, a little over a year later, I think our sex life has gotten even better!

Do you schedule sex or date nights with your significant other?

Not at all. Sex is whenever and date nights are kinda last minute.

Tips/Tricks for a successful sex life after babies?

Self-care. Give yourself the attention you need and deserve. Once I felt better about myself, I felt better about my sex life. I am still learning to love my new body but having someone who makes you feel comfortable is extremely helpful. 

Signed,
50% Crunchy Mom, 50% Basic

How has your sex life changed since becoming a mom?
I feel guilty – I pushed my husband to the back burner.  Especially with my daughter. We tried so hard for her and after two miscarriages I was just so grateful and excited to have her and that’s where all my focus went.  

Do you schedule sex or date nights with your significant other?
We have tried to schedule date time at home after the kids however I found appreciating time alone more.  I was just so tired at the end of the day.  A combination of jealousy and resentment towards my husband. When we are all at home my kids just want me and I find myself needing to be responsible for 2 kids, my husband and life and home responsibilities. 

Tips/Tricks for a successful sex life after babies?
A Christmas gift for my husband was a deck of cards “get to know your husband/wife” He made fun of me for it but I felt like we needed to get to know each other again.  We are completely different people than before kids – we have different responsibilities and different joys.  We need to relearn each other in new roles.  This is one thing that no one talks about when you make the decision to have kids – You are going to have to “re-meet” your significant other.

Signed,
Rainbow Momma who’s dating her husband again

How has your sex life changed since becoming a mom?
There are so many factors that have affected our sex life that it’s difficult to say black-and-white how it has changed. It’s decreased because there’s less time, we’re exhausted, and my hormones make me cringe whenever I think about having sex. But it’s also increased on some scale because it’s gone from being less about the physical (at least for me) to more about the emotional aspect. It’s not just about me and my body, it’s about his needs and our relationship. So how and when we have sex isn’t all about the wham bam thank you ma’am anymore. Now it’s making time to satisfy the other person, finding out what they like beyond just positioning, and strengthening our relationship because, to be honest, I always feel closer to my husband after sex. So we’re having sex less, but we’re also more often consciously choosing to have it rather than letting it just happen.

Do you schedule sex or date nights with your significant other?
We’ve been trying to schedule date nights once or twice a month.  Sex may or may not be included in that, but with the house to ourselves, why waste the opportunity, right? We don’t schedule sex, but when it’s been a while (and I have turned him down a few times) I consciously choose to make it happen that night. I guess it kind of is like scheduling, but I’m the only one aware of it. It gives me the day to get in the mood and make sure the house is in good condition, so I’m not distracted by responsibilities.

Tips/Tricks for a successful sex life after babies?
Try to keep some spontaneity, but also make sure it happens. You will always be tired, have a lot on your mind, or things to do around the house. Make time for sex too. Explore each other’s desires. Don’t be afraid to get a little vulnerable and experiment. Make one night about him and then switch it up next time. Get some toys, watch porn together, maybe get some chocolate syrup and get a little messy. If your sex drive is just not there or you’re feeling insecure, take care of yourself. Exercise always helps me with my confidence and also boosts my desire – double whammy! Get dolled up beforehand. Pick up an adult novel (they’re not all just smut, I promise!). I love to read fantasy books and was introduced to a few mature fantasy books with equal parts adventure and sex – it really amped up my sex drive! Above all, don’t let sex become a distant memory. I promised myself we wouldn’t be that relationship where our sex life was the butt end of a joke. It’s been tough, but with two kids and major baby blues, I’m still trying to focus on us. A happy relationship between us in the bedroom will help create a happy relationship overall and the kids will benefit from it too.

Signed,
The Conscious yet Confident Mom

How has your sex life changed since becoming a mom? 
It’s pretty much stayed the same but probably even a little more now that we have to schedule sex. I NEVER thought I’d want to, or be interested in having sex, after what my body went through, and what came out of me! Butttt almost like clockwork, at 6 weeks postpartum, my body woke up again like heyyyyy I’m feeling a little something something down there. 

Do you schedule sex or date nights with your significant other? 
YES!!! We are SOOO busy with work and our little one that if we don’t schedule sex it won’t happen. I honestly kind of like it though, it keeps us connected and gives us something to look forward to and I think it’s made us more spontaneous with sex, something we never really were. Hubs and I are NEVER on the same page with sex. He’s a night sexer, I prefer the mornings so scheduling allows us to commit and compromise. You can’t be picky with a little babe either, it’s all about nap time. Also, it takes a lot of the guilt out of it. As I’m writing this, I’m feeling guilty we didn’t get it in the last few days but I’m looking forward to tomorrow (Sunday) our scheduled sex day. 

Now scheduling alone time is something I REALLY look forward to!! We all have needs, and my husband and I are RARELY on the same page, so I REALLY look forward to my alone time which I schedule any chance I can get. 

Tips/Tricks for a successful sex life after babies? 

I think intimacy is really important and that it comes in lots of different forms. For my husband and I, it has never been about the sex, we crave alone time together and closeness, a lot of times it’s just laying naked in bed together. Yes, it often leads to sex but that’s not typically our goal or what we need. Going out on date nights, doing a fun activity when the baby goes to sleep, all are great intimacy boosters which we find leads to sex. 

Intimacy never went away during pregnancy, my belly just made it a lot more difficult. Sex was out of the question the last few months, but once the belly was gone and the option for sex was back on the table, I felt like a virgin all over again. Discovering sex after pregnancy was amazing for me, and I truly feel like I enjoy it more now. The first time hurt (Vaginal birth) and I feared for literally one second that it wouldn’t feel the same and/or my vag would be wider than the Lincoln tunnel but I’m happy to report it’s like nothing ever happened down there. 

All in all, I think its really about becoming turned on (what turns you on might be different now) & horny again, I kind of lost that right after birth, but once my sex drive returned, I lost all inhibitions and started to really enjoy sex again. I might be weird, but I was always really turned on by myself and it was really hard for me to feel so uncomfortable in, and not recognize my postpartum body. Losing some baby weight and working out again really helped me to get my sex drive back. 

Also, once your baby is on somewhat of a schedule, things get much easier and you can schedule sex around nap time. It’s hard to be spontaneous, but there’s nothing like a mid-day romp on the floor of the living room surrounded by baby toys. 

Signed,
Miss My Hot Bod 

How has your sex life changed since becoming a mom? 

Since becoming a mom, sex has become more purposeful, as in, let’s get to the point! It took a while to get back in the zone after both girls, but thankfully my husband has been patient, mostly understanding, and tells me what I need to hear even- if I don’t believe it in the moment. I’ve definitely hurt my husband’s feelings by closing myself off and sometimes I don’t have the energy to care in the moment. And that’s ok, sometimes! But I’ve never regretted letting him sweet talk me into some quality naked time.  I used to be quite particular about grooming habits and being like “prepared” for sex- but I don’t have time and also don’t really give a shit anymore. My husband says he doesn’t care, so I take him at his word. Every once in a while, he gets a pleasant surprise when I’ve actually had time to myself with a razor. Also, we are way better at sex now than when we first started. 

Do you schedule sex or date nights with your significant other? 
We do tend to schedule nights out, sleepovers for the kids, or hotel rooms when we can! Then we don’t have to worry about the noise. 

Tips/Tricks for a successful sex life after babies? 

Make the time for it, even when you’re tired and you haven’t shaved in 2 weeks and are feeling the unsexiest you’ve ever felt. Allow yourself the time to be spontaneous (who cares if you get interrupted, it’ll all work itself out!) and believe your partner when they tell you that you are the sexiest thing they have ever laid eyes on. Also, mutual satisfaction can be achieved in a timely fashion with a little help from your friends (porn, toys, and lots of lube)! Happy and orgasmic sex ever after!

Signed,
Macaroni-in-a-pot 

How has your sex life changed since becoming a mom? 
Most definitely decreased in frequency (especially since now pregnant with #3) but still at least once a week 

Do you schedule sex or date nights with your significant other? 
Not necessarily schedule but make hint via text with GIFs or comments to each other so that we know what the other wants/ expects that night.

Tips/Tricks for a successful sex life after babies? 
Love yourself: self-care and self-love leads to more confidence which obviously will translate in the bedroom. Also literally love yourself; masturbate when you’re horny, buy toys, make time for you.

Ask your partner what he wants, like specifically what he wants: such as “do you want me to give you oral tonight, me on top, in the kitchen, sensual in bed?” When a man sees you care about his wants (even though they will benefit you as well) he will be more in tuned to you and reciprocate the gesture. 

Think outside the box. After kids and after long relationships / marriage, sex can become a task/ boring. MAKE IT FUN! Buy a cute babydoll outfit, turn on porn, use toys or even better go shopping together for them. 

Don’t forget the beginning of your relationship AND what your sex life can and will be once your kids are grown! You didn’t marry this man / woman because you didn’t enjoy sex with them or because you found them unattractive!! Find new things you love about them or new ways to please each other. 

Signed,
Sexting Momma of ‘Almost’ 3

How has your sex life changed since becoming a mom?
Frequency is less, but I think quality has improved. We strive for quality over quantity these days lol. So since pre-kids, it’s not all worse.


Do you schedule sex or date nights with your significant other?
Post-partum, things definitely changed–hellllooo scheduled sex. Similar to the whole “sleep begets sleep” saying for babies, I think it’s true that sex begets sex too lol. Planning ahead helped because even though sometimes the mere thought of doing it was the absolute last thing I wanted to make time for, we always feel closer and connected after. I find that I have so many things on my mind from the day varying from kid worries to what housework needs to be done that I put being intimate with my husband on the back burner. Things did return to normal after a few-ish months. Being pregnant with kid #2 has made me feel like we’re back to fresh post-partum days where my body is not my own and I’m LESS than attractive. So, things have dwindled again, aka back to scheduling. 


Tips/Tricks for a successful sex life after babies?

Number one tip/trick…. lube?? LOL. Communication is key… not putting too much pressure on each other has helped too. Gone are the days of sex with the lights on… maybe someday. Also, this was true before kids but WAY truer now… I’ve got to say the best form of foreplay has to be housework. Want to guarantee getting some? Get some cleaning/dishes/vacuuming/laundry done and I am ready to go! I read somewhere “sex begins in the kitchen” and that shit is true. Ah… it’s the little things huh? 

Signed,
Will Dirty Talk in Exchange for a Clean Kitchen

How has your sex life changed since becoming a mom?
I’m a first time mom and while I knew my lady parts were going to go through it during child birth, I had no idea just how intense the recovery would be. The healing process plus the sleep deprivation caused our sex life to be put almost completely on hold for 8 weeks (except for a Valentines Day BJ since I didn’t have the energy to get him a gift haha). I was cleared for sexual activity at my 6 week appointment but didn’t feel completely healed down there and mentally wasn’t quite ready. 

At 8 weeks we started slow with lots of foreplay and honestly – it’s been exciting exploring each other again and being intimate in a different way. At 9 weeks post-partum we still haven’t gone all the way, but taking it slow has made it easier to imagine us getting to that point soon. 

Tips/Tricks for a successful sex life after babies?
Don’t be afraid to take it slow and don’t be discouraged if your OBGYN tells you you’re ready when you might not feel that way …you know yourself best! 

Signed,
Sleepy Momma; Starbucks Before Sex

How has your sex life changed since becoming a mom?
My sex drive has really been the same throughout life before kids, during pregnancy and life after kids. The only time I truly experienced lack of wanting anything to do with sex was at 8/9 months pregnant because at that point I just stared down at this huge belly of mine and it was hard to not be distracted by it. I guess a rollercoaster ride is an adequate way to sum up my sex drive, where it hits peaks and valleys continuously. There are days/weeks where I think about sex all day long and can’t wait to get into bed with my husband after a long day! On the flip side there are also days where I want nothing to do but go to bed…and SLEEP.

Do you schedule sex or date nights with your significant other?
Our schedules, his work schedule especially, are crazy so sex happens when it happens, as our days are very rarely consistent.

Signed,
Rollercoaster Momma

How has your sex life changed since becoming a mom?
It isn’t better or worse, it’s just different! I feel closer to my husband on an emotional level which makes our sex feel more intimate than it was before. I also have to learn to accept my new body as a mother of two instead of a “young twenty-something” – rolls and cellulite that weren’t there before!

Do you schedule sex or date nights with your significant other?
Right now we try to fit it in wherever we can. I try to find time during naptime or in the morning before the craziness of the day begins. It’s almost impossible to schedule anything for just the two of us – and forget about date nights… but once Covid is “over” we’ll start scheduling weekly nights away from the kiddos!

Tips/Tricks for a successful sex life after babies?
 I have found a few things that work: sending risqué texts and/or pictures to hubs during the day to let him know I’m thinking about him, initiating first thing in the morning, dressing in something sexy & throwing on some mascara (hello Covid – whats makeup? ha!), taking boudoir-style pictures and sending them periodically, and a healthy diet. I know the last one seems like it came out of left field, but it totally helps. You don’t feel bloated, and you actually have energy to give your hubs a little extra attention! Plus, once you start having more regular sex, you want to actually do it more often. Win-Win!


Signed,
Send Nudes and Eat Salads

How has your sex life changed since becoming a mom?
I had really bad postpartum depression/anxiety which totally killed my sex drive. (I used to be the one always initiating sex) now he will just grab me still dripping wet out of the shower and have his way with me. I’m still currently nursing, and I’m completely touched out by the end of the day and just want to be left alone. 

Do you schedule sex or date nights with your significant other? 

We always talk about scheduling date nights but haven’t actually done that yet. In the morning I always have great intentions of surprising him with some fun lingerie when we go to bed. As soon as I start washing my face I’m like yeah I’m good I’ll just go to bed! Poor lingerie is still hidden in our wooden basket in our bathroom for that special night 

Tips/Tricks for a successful sex life after babies?
Communication is key and honestly taking good care of yourself. I really struggled with my body image after having a baby and started writing positive affirmations on my mirror that I would say out loud every time I went to the bathroom and saw it. I don’t let myself speak negativity about my body and if I do I try to correct my mindset and my husband also helps me if he sees me picking apart my body. 

I try to do my hair and makeup and put on a cute outfit to build my confidence and that usually ends up with him just taking that cute outfit off. Sex is spontaneous right now and it isn’t as often as we would like but it’s slowly getting there. And honestly, sex feels better for me now when it does actually happen and helps slowly build that sex drive back up for myself. 

Signed,
I am beautiful, I am sexy, I am TIRED

How has your sex life changed since becoming a mom?
The frequency of sex has dramatically decreased, it took much longer for me to want sex than the 6 weeks we were told to abstain. I hate denying my partner but I rarely have time to get in the mood and by the time I do have a spare moment all I can think about is sleep! 

Do you schedule sex or date nights with your significant other? 
We have not had regular date nights since baby, we’ve only been out twice in almost 8 months, its certainly starting to seem like something that is necessary though. 

Tips/Tricks for a successful sex life after babies? 
Communication communication communication. My husband and I can both be very introverted, but it can be a huge relief to your partner to let them know you’re just too damn tired and it has nothing to do with lack of attraction or desire. I honestly think the more we discuss it, the better the intimate part of our relationship gets. At least the conversation is sex related even if its about being too tired for it. Its a nice change to talk about something other than poop, spit up, and sleep training. 

Signed,
You’re Still Hot, I’m Just Tired!

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